Selfish Christian

I have an inside joke with God. It's been running since I was little. I used to go up to communion, and take the body of Christ, say "amen", and walk up the isle, back to my seat next to my mom. I would always say "Hi God, it's me again." And I would talk to him. I can't explain the comfort it gave me to taste the unleavened bread at mass and sit in a dusty pew, on my knees in prayer to God. It might not sound like a really funny joke, but I remember, being 8, and thinking that it was so funny that He and I would get away together to talk. I never said the Hail Mary, and I never said the Our Father, but I talked to Jesus. Beyond all of the confounds of the church pews, and the words that didn't make sense to me at the time, and the seemingly holiness of the priest, I would get away with the Lord, and he would take me with Him. He would let me talk to Him. He let me know that He knew me, and that He heard me.

Now, I am 34. But sometimes, I feel like I am still 8. I love to go to church, and hear the music, and sit in my seat, with my eyes closed. And now, instead of sneaking away with Jesus, I imagine myself curled up in his lap. I imagine his strong, pierced, calloused hands wrapping around me, and for a moment, I get lost in his presence. What will it be like to sit with Him forever? I don't know. But I know that for those moments, in worship to Him, curled up with Him, I am lost. I am away. I am comforted. 

I come to God in so many different states. I come to Him angry. I don't try to rationalize to God, or make sense, or try to make myself look good to Him, I just tell him how mad I am. I selfishly list all of the reasons why I am angry, and sometimes, I don't even acknowledge that I could possibly be wrong. I come to him when I am stagnant. When I don't make any sense, and I can't focus. I will spend 30 minutes repeating a prayer that I just prayed, and I talk to him while thinking of something totally not about Him, or me, or what I probably should be praying about. I come to Him when I don't feel Him. When I'm not excited to sit with Him. I wish I could say, in those moments, I am changed, but often, I am not. I come to Him when I should be making breakfast, or working out, or working, or playing with my kids. My kids will be crying, and literally asking to eat because they are hungry, and sometimes, I will make them wait.  Don't get me wrong, I come to Him when I am being good. Or when I am on fire for Him. I love mountain top experiences with the Lord, when things make more sense, and He teaches me new things, and I ask Him for more, and beg for Him not to take me down.

I am a selfish Christian. 

Sometimes, there are mornings after drinking too much wine, that I will wake up and feel so sad. So far from Him. I have said hurtful words. And I have done hurtful things to my kids, my husband, my parents, and my friends. I have gossiped, and I have spent too much money. I have been prideful, and spent days doing what I want to do. I am a selfish person.

I don't know how to justify my character. I am usually doing the wrong thing before the right. I have fears, and anxiety; I am afraid of where this country is going. I don't know the future, or how my kids will turn out. I know I do a lot of good things, and I also know that they don't do much good in the scheme of things, just like my bad choices don't do much good. I know from experience, that my best good is done after having spent time in His presence. Of knowing Him, and experiencing His peace. His peace is infinitely greater than any other peace that is offered from outside of Him. 

I can say, that I have lived a bit of a life at this point. I'm not quite old, and I'm not quite young. I have selfishly sought after God on and off for almost 30 years. As I look on, I realize that when I am not sneaking away with God enough is when I begin to fear. And I have less comfort. And I react negatively. I start to become anxious, prideful, and look to outside influences to counter those negative feelings and actions. And if I look at this world, from my selfish perspective, I begin to realize that without him, is chaos. And with Him, is peace.

My point is, come to Him. In every state of being. Don't wait to have time, or to feel Him. He is worthy of priority. Let Him sneak you away. Let Him carry you off away from the confounds of your life. Especially in a good season. Know Him deeply. Keep pressing into Him. Be a selfish Christian. 

...I almost ended this with...and see what He does...but that could be taken in such a wordly way. God doesn't promise that in His presence, all things will turn out great. His words are a lot less comforting to the ears of a nonbeliever. He doesn't promise all of the riches in this world. Or that even things will go your way. But what He promises is better. He promises that He will be near in spite of your sin. He gives me tools...slowly...to conquer life's difficulties, and he is here to pick me up each time, and take me into His presence, and remind me what He did on a cross. That I don't have to fight things in this world, but I have Him to guide me, and carry me. He hates sin. I am not saying that my sin is okay by Him, or that I don't have consequences for it, but the best thing about the cross is that it doesn't only erase my sin, once I confess it to Him, but also delivers the Holy Spirit that brings comfort, and helps me to know Him better. 

*Now this is what the Lord says. He created you. He formed you. He says, "Don't be afraid, because I have saved you. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, nor will flames hurt you. This is because I, the Lord, am your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43: 1-3