Battle

I have been putting off this blog topic for a while, but for some reason, it has never escaped me from wanting to write about it. Lately, God has been tugging at my heart to finally publish it. So, embarrassing, private, and vulnerable as I feel to write about it for others to see, I feel led and compelled to tell my story.

I would say that I was always aware of my appearance. I really wanted to be thinner; and that desire went back to elementary school. I remember walking into kindergarten feeling fat, and sucking in my stomach. I was definitely insecure for the majority of going to school.

When I was going through middle school, my parents were going through a divorce. Coupled with new step parents, new homes, and family troubles, I certainly struggled (as many middle school students do) to gain an understanding of what confidence was. My mom is someone who likes to be sure to fix problems. I think she saw that my sister and I were struggling with lack of confidence, and she signed us up for Weight Watchers in 8th grade. She did so to teach us how to make healthy choices when eating. I went from eating chocolate chip cookies and Coke at lunch to carrots and turkey sandwiches. In 6 months, I lost 15 pounds. My confidence grew, and I started to realize that when I looked better, people noticed. I remember thinking that even the people at the grocery store treated me with a bit more respect.

This never left me. In high school, I changed schools from Vista High to Carlsbad. As pounds began to creep back in high school, I became very aware that it would be easier to make friends if I lost weight. But I couldn't. I think that the culture shock of moving, and the stress of trying to make new friends, and the loss of the old ones made it hard for me to keep track of making healthy choices in regards to food.

I was arrested the summer between my junior and senior year for underage drinking. I spent the summer grounded. Forced to reflect upon my choices, I made a conscious effort to become more healthy. I started going to the gym. I tried to stay away from partying. When my senior year began, my sister began to drastically drop weight. I felt so concerned because she wasn't eating, and seemed really unhealthy. I was so mad because it seemed like everyone was so happy for her, and my concern quickly transformed into a sense of jealousy. She became way thinner than me.

I slowly began to imitate her eating habits that I was previously so concerned about. Oatmeal for breakfast. Carrots for lunch. Canned beans for dinner. Soon, I was losing weight as well. Quickly. I had little to no energy, but my mind became consumed with what I put in my mouth. I was so disgusted with what I would eat before. I became anti social and afraid to go out with others, because I didn't want to eat, or be judged about what I didn't. I was obsessed with not gaining weight. I wanted to be thin, and I couldn't hear what others said about my lack of energy.

Consequently, I began to gain a lot of attention. Others noticed me more. I was less ignored that I was before. For years at my new school, I wanted to make friends, and it suddenly became easy. I gained a new kind of confidence that was rooted in my appearance.

When I started college, I worked at two different restaurants as well as a tutor. I was really stressed and couldn't manage all that I had to do without energy. I started eating late at night and picking from the left overs at work. It completely went against my obsession of not eating. I would overeat. Soon, I began to throw it up.

It was out of control. I would stay up late and eat, only to have it all go down the toilet or in the trash. I was obsessed with what I put in my body, and controlling my weight. When I felt out of control, I would binge and throw up. I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted to be a size 0. I wanted to impress my boyfriend. I wanted to be rail thin. It consumed me. My identity was wrapped in how I looked. My confidence stemmed from what I saw in the mirror. A "fat" day meant a bad day. And a binge day. My happiness rested upon how much I would eat for a day.

The battle that I fought was so cyclical and bleak. I had no hope that I would get over my obsession with how much I weighed. My confidence came from others, and my happiness rested upon the shoulders of food.

It is nothing short of a miracle that for some reason, I began to develop another kind of hunger. I remembered one Tuesday night in high school, some friends of mine took me to a church called Daybreak. So I went to back to youth group. A college Freshman with a bunch of high school students. I didn't know that I needed God. I didn't mind that Jesus loved me. It wasn't a priority of mine, but there was something different about this place. I talked to a woman named Bex, and she asked me to be a leader. I agreed.

That night, my uphill battle of fighting the demons that possessed me in the way of anorexia and bulimia began. But God did not directly fight that first. He began to teach me about passion. A passion for Him. He was so interested in me that He didn't care that I was so broken. Every Monday night after my shift at Islands, I would spend hours at a leadership meeting, learning about ministry, and praying with other believers. I was given a small group of high school students to lead. And my passion for the Lord grew as I taught the scriptures. I taught the importance of righteousness. I taught the ministry of Jesus.

I prayed against bulimia for more minutes than I did with anything else. I asked that God would take it. I prayed that the Lord would destroy the demons that were in me. I prayed that God would be first in my life. I asked God for courage. I prayed.

I got so frustrated with God because I knew that He was so merciful. He wanted to bless me. He wanted to give me a life free of pressure. God wanted wanted what was good for me, but I was also unwilling to let go of my ideal figure.

I started to put on weight at a rapid pace because of my binges. God was so gracious, and I believe that He used Jon to help me break the cycle. Shortly after I met him, I had to confess my struggles to him. He was nothing short of supportive and loving. I knew that truly, Jon would love me no matter how I looked. It was two years into our dating and engagement that I started to heal from bulimia. Not wanting to bring it into our marriage, I sought counseling. On January 1, 2004, I relinquished control of my looks to the Lord.

I started to gain even more weight, and for the first time, I didn't care. I wanted so much to stop the cycle of how much I put into my looks. I was so blessed to have Jon, because he didn't care, either. I put on 20 pounds, and gave into every one: forcing myself to not obsess over dieting. I am not saying that there weren't days that I wasn't upset about my looks, or tried to lose the weight, but for the first time, my obsession wasn't the mirror.

God slowly began to heal me. I had to actively push out thoughts of hating who I was. I had to seek after the things of the Lord, rather than the things that I thought I wanted. I had to force myself to not take my mind back to a place of obsession; rather, I had to keep my eyes focused on the Lord.

Through my healing, God  has used Jazzercise to teach me about the discipline of staying active. He has also graced me with healthy perspective on food. I am so happy that I can look at my body as something that is beneficial and useful, rather than with anger and hate. God made me to serve Him, and it is really such a beautiful thing. I am His child, and this body was made for His purpose.

He is so gracious, and willing to heal us as long as we are willing to trust Him. And I don't believe that we can be healed from things unless we are able to actively take charge against the demons that we struggle with. I know that I can be attacked with my eating disorder at any time. I have to have my guard up against it, but He is faithful and just to protect me, as long as I allow him to. I'll say with confidence that I never want to go back to the struggle. But with an even greater confidence, I can trust in my Lord. He is tangible. Even better, he is a healer. And He is faithful, and He is just.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies