I parent like Jacob.
I am not a very good parent. I want to be. This is a struggle that I never thought that I would deal with. The love that I have for my boys is indubitably the most original and stong connection that I don't have words to describe. I want to love them perfectly. I have a desire for our every engagement to be a lesson learned, or a conversation that is assorted with humor, edification, love, and inspiration that leaves my boys with development towards the Holy Spirit and an understanding of mine and God's love for them that allows them to grow into young men who do powerful things for Jesus. Unfortunately, I am a disaster. If I were to list stories about the times that I have failed to do what I aspire to be as a parent, we could possibly have a situation where not only I were a laughing stock, but that if I were God, I would consider finding a way to choose a new mother for these kids. In fact, my sin seems to be only magnified as I reflect upon my parenting skills. Thankfully, my Father in Heaven has grace and mercy that exceeds beyond my understanding.
To be honest, I am having a really hard time right now. Harrison, who is 4, is an amazing little boy. He is smart, well behaved for others, and has been such a blessing in my life. He calls me beautiful, memorizes scripture, and dresses up in the craziest outfits with such confidence, that I am regularly in awe of him. However, for the past year, he does this thing that with me, he throws insane fits where he screams, yells, and cries for hours about the smallest of circumstances. It makes me sad. I question everything about myself. For example, today at the grocery store, Harrison immediately got jealous that Henry (his 2 year old brother) was going to be driving with him in the "car" that is attached to the shopping cart. I knew before it happened what was about to go down. (Thankfully, Jon was with me). I asked him to please move so that his brother could sit next to him. Harrison. Please move. Honey, you need to scooch so that your brother can have a spot. Harrison, you have three seconds before I take you to the car. He did not move. Three....(long pause)....two............Harrison, I am warning you that if I get to one, Henry will have the car to himself, and you will be in the van with mom. (Jon: Harrison, listen to your mom. You need to please move so brother can ride with you).......one. No budging. Okay. We are going to the car. And for the next half an hour while Jon was shopping: screaming. What is worse? As we walked to the car, he proceeded to try to pull his hand out of mine while we were in the street. And so I had to hold on tight before a car would speed through the parking lot. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!! You are hurting me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ow!!!!!!!"
Stares. People looked at me as if they were counting down before they grabbed their phones and called CPS. We got to the car, and still, screaming. I rolled down the windows and turned to Kwave so that I could get some sort of wisdom or word from the Lord that might calm me down. But I cracked. I screamed back. I freaked out. I could not hold in my anger. Then I stopped, quieted down, and asked politely if Harrison could please sit in his chair so that I could calmly talk to him. He continued to scream. I remembered my pastor's wife told me to tell him that mommy needed a break. That would freak him out. So I told him. Mommy needs a break, Harrison. By then he was on a kick that he wanted his favorite cracker. No! Harrison, you may not have your crackers! This is a consequence for your behavior. I love you, and I would love to give you crackers, but honey, you are not behaving appropriately. Still screaming...........louder now....so I told him that I was done. I kept the windows rolled down, and I locked the doors, and I sat outside and leaned on my car in the parking lot at Vons. It seemed like forever.
This is a regular, daily occurance. Mommy says "no." Mommy says "move". Mommy stands her ground, and Harrison screams as if it is the most horrible thing. The stories can sometimes get a laugh out of my Jazzercise students, or my mom (who by the way experienced very similar episodes from me as a teenager). I know that there are so many people who can relate. But it is HARD. It jolts my "self pity" nerve to a million, and makes me feel like I have nothing to give. I freak out. I become someone I hate. I don't like what a short fuse I have. Did I cause that behavior in my son? Was it his dad? What is it that makes this happen? Am I dramatic? (well, obviously, or I wouldn't blog for so many paragraphs about it). I am deeply saddened by the situation that I am in. And I honestly question my ability to parent.
That is why I love the Old Testament. Jacob was a really bad Father. A renown patriarch of the lineage of our Savior; son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham. But Jacob failed in his ability to take an active approach in his duties to his 12 sons and 1 daughter. If you read his story, it is filled with lack of attention to serious issues in his kids' lives. His daughter was kidnapped and raped. His 11 sons lied that their brother was killed; when they actually sold him into slavery. Jacob's approach to each situation was not perfect. He neither sent out to avenge his daughter's attackers; leaving the job to his sons who murdered the entire town. He was deeply saddened about the loss of Joseph, but he did not deal with it in a way that would necessarily depict a character who was strong in the faith and who was worthy of much more than any other father. He did nothing great. He did nothing exciting. In fact, he lacked many characteristics of what we might attribute to a great hero. However, God saw something special. He told Jacob:
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15, ESV)
And He used Jacob's insignificance. In a multitude of ways. He preserved his family through famine, he incorporated him in the bloodline of Jesus, and we look to him as a great father figure in our history.
Am I concerned that I am a bad parent? Absolutely. Do I constantly doubt my temper, my lack of interest, my insignificance? Constantly. But I believe in a perfect Creator. My God honors longsuffering. Jesus put my sins away at the cross. I am certain that I will do things to my kids and make them what I don't want them to become. But I know with even greater certainty that my God loves me. And He graciously gave us countless examples in the Bible of parents who did outlandish things. Noah, Jacob, Abraham, David. They were drunkards, sinners, doubters, adulterers, and God was so gracious with them. I strive to be the mom that I want to be. I will still read books, head advice, and try to turn from my ways. I will still doubt, and fail, and backslide. But the most comforting fact that I take peace in is that MY Father is perfect. He loves me despite me. My sin was nailed to the cross. And I cling to His promises. And sometimes I think He tells me:
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
And do you know that I believe Him? So I parent like Jacob. But what's different is that the Holy Spirit is in my heart. And no matter what happens with my kids, I know that He will neither leave me nor forsake me. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
To be honest, I am having a really hard time right now. Harrison, who is 4, is an amazing little boy. He is smart, well behaved for others, and has been such a blessing in my life. He calls me beautiful, memorizes scripture, and dresses up in the craziest outfits with such confidence, that I am regularly in awe of him. However, for the past year, he does this thing that with me, he throws insane fits where he screams, yells, and cries for hours about the smallest of circumstances. It makes me sad. I question everything about myself. For example, today at the grocery store, Harrison immediately got jealous that Henry (his 2 year old brother) was going to be driving with him in the "car" that is attached to the shopping cart. I knew before it happened what was about to go down. (Thankfully, Jon was with me). I asked him to please move so that his brother could sit next to him. Harrison. Please move. Honey, you need to scooch so that your brother can have a spot. Harrison, you have three seconds before I take you to the car. He did not move. Three....(long pause)....two............Harrison, I am warning you that if I get to one, Henry will have the car to himself, and you will be in the van with mom. (Jon: Harrison, listen to your mom. You need to please move so brother can ride with you).......one. No budging. Okay. We are going to the car. And for the next half an hour while Jon was shopping: screaming. What is worse? As we walked to the car, he proceeded to try to pull his hand out of mine while we were in the street. And so I had to hold on tight before a car would speed through the parking lot. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!! You are hurting me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ow!!!!!!!"
Stares. People looked at me as if they were counting down before they grabbed their phones and called CPS. We got to the car, and still, screaming. I rolled down the windows and turned to Kwave so that I could get some sort of wisdom or word from the Lord that might calm me down. But I cracked. I screamed back. I freaked out. I could not hold in my anger. Then I stopped, quieted down, and asked politely if Harrison could please sit in his chair so that I could calmly talk to him. He continued to scream. I remembered my pastor's wife told me to tell him that mommy needed a break. That would freak him out. So I told him. Mommy needs a break, Harrison. By then he was on a kick that he wanted his favorite cracker. No! Harrison, you may not have your crackers! This is a consequence for your behavior. I love you, and I would love to give you crackers, but honey, you are not behaving appropriately. Still screaming...........louder now....so I told him that I was done. I kept the windows rolled down, and I locked the doors, and I sat outside and leaned on my car in the parking lot at Vons. It seemed like forever.
This is a regular, daily occurance. Mommy says "no." Mommy says "move". Mommy stands her ground, and Harrison screams as if it is the most horrible thing. The stories can sometimes get a laugh out of my Jazzercise students, or my mom (who by the way experienced very similar episodes from me as a teenager). I know that there are so many people who can relate. But it is HARD. It jolts my "self pity" nerve to a million, and makes me feel like I have nothing to give. I freak out. I become someone I hate. I don't like what a short fuse I have. Did I cause that behavior in my son? Was it his dad? What is it that makes this happen? Am I dramatic? (well, obviously, or I wouldn't blog for so many paragraphs about it). I am deeply saddened by the situation that I am in. And I honestly question my ability to parent.
That is why I love the Old Testament. Jacob was a really bad Father. A renown patriarch of the lineage of our Savior; son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham. But Jacob failed in his ability to take an active approach in his duties to his 12 sons and 1 daughter. If you read his story, it is filled with lack of attention to serious issues in his kids' lives. His daughter was kidnapped and raped. His 11 sons lied that their brother was killed; when they actually sold him into slavery. Jacob's approach to each situation was not perfect. He neither sent out to avenge his daughter's attackers; leaving the job to his sons who murdered the entire town. He was deeply saddened about the loss of Joseph, but he did not deal with it in a way that would necessarily depict a character who was strong in the faith and who was worthy of much more than any other father. He did nothing great. He did nothing exciting. In fact, he lacked many characteristics of what we might attribute to a great hero. However, God saw something special. He told Jacob:
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15, ESV)
And He used Jacob's insignificance. In a multitude of ways. He preserved his family through famine, he incorporated him in the bloodline of Jesus, and we look to him as a great father figure in our history.
Am I concerned that I am a bad parent? Absolutely. Do I constantly doubt my temper, my lack of interest, my insignificance? Constantly. But I believe in a perfect Creator. My God honors longsuffering. Jesus put my sins away at the cross. I am certain that I will do things to my kids and make them what I don't want them to become. But I know with even greater certainty that my God loves me. And He graciously gave us countless examples in the Bible of parents who did outlandish things. Noah, Jacob, Abraham, David. They were drunkards, sinners, doubters, adulterers, and God was so gracious with them. I strive to be the mom that I want to be. I will still read books, head advice, and try to turn from my ways. I will still doubt, and fail, and backslide. But the most comforting fact that I take peace in is that MY Father is perfect. He loves me despite me. My sin was nailed to the cross. And I cling to His promises. And sometimes I think He tells me:
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
And do you know that I believe Him? So I parent like Jacob. But what's different is that the Holy Spirit is in my heart. And no matter what happens with my kids, I know that He will neither leave me nor forsake me. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
You are so sweet with your openness and honesty!! I love you!! You are an amazing women and I am so encouraged by you! I will be praying for you to continue being guided by the Lord and for your peace in this trying time of parenting.
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