Harder Choices

When Harrison was born, and I was scheduling his feeding (3,6,9,12...), I remember the one hour period a couple times a day that he would cry. Because I knew that it would be easier to have a scheduled baby in the long run, I withstood the tears. It broke my heart to watch him cry, and to try everything: pacifier, blanky, walking, stroller. There were times that nothing worked. But suddenly, 5 days later (and almost every day of his life after that), Harrison was on schedule; eating only at the times that he was scheduled to...on the hour. He slept through the night better, and it was easier to ween him of his nighttime feedings (I would take away 12, then 9, then 3am, and soon, at 3 months, he slept through the night).

The same was true for my other kids. It was like tearing out my heart to listen to them cry, but after they were scheduled, I always could do my best to predict what was wrong; if they were full, and well slept, then I could count on a fit being teething, or needing more solids. It became a lot easier to predict their needs, and manage life because I could know what to expect.

Harrison was three days old when I decided that the harder choices in parenting, most likely would be the best ones to make.

I am not going to pretend like I have it all down. I don't. I give in a lot more than I would like to...

But I do know one thing is for sure...it's really hard to say "no" when we are at the store, and they want a toy. But most times, I do, and I know I am instilling in them values that allow them to understand that they don't always get what they want right away. It's easier for me to do the dishes, or for me to clean their room. But when I do the things that they can do, I am not teaching them responsibility.

I suppose I am writing this to call myself out. I love to love my kids. I love to get along with them, and to make them happy. But sometimes, I realize that loving them doesn't always mean giving into everything they want to do. I think we make a lot of excuses now. I realize it's important to get along with our kids, and to enjoy them, since it is such a short time that we have with them, but I also try to think about the fact that I am raising a future adult. I am raising someone who will need to know how to make choices on their own.

Am I the only one who thinks that we are giving too much? I don't mean to say that it's not important to have quality time with them...family time is hugely important. And being able to talk to our kids and understand them is important. But isn't there a line that we need to draw?

I want to raise confident, hard working, selfless kids. I feel like it is difficult to do when we fail to place boundaries around them. Kids like to be told no. Of course, not right away, but I believe that it's important for them to feel disappointment. Then need to know that their parents aren't always going to catch them. Because they are capable to do things on their own. I want to teach them to rely on their Heavenly Father and not on me. Because I am not their support in life. Isn't that what Jesus meant in Matthew 10:37?

They are going to experience failure, and hardship, and discouragement. They might even be bullied and laughed at. The only thing that I can be sure of in my kids' life is that they will go through hard things. I can't be certain that they will have Earthly success, but I can be certain that they will face trials of many kinds. And I don't believe that my job is to shelter them from such trials. I believe I can help them, and I can be an encouragement, and I am to raise them and protect them...especially now. But I can't expect that they won't fail. Because I failed. And I have faced hardships. Everyone has. 

So how do we raise our kids?

My prayer is that I do the best job I can to prepare them for what this life has in store. I'm not saying that I should create negative experiences for my children. On the contrary...but my goal is to ensure that they are ready and prepared to be protected by the Lord, and that they know how to use His armor. They will go out into the world. They might become apart of it. But they also might be used to further His kingdom. I know I can't control everything, and I also know I can only do my best to teach them. But I certainly don't want to be a crutch for them. And that is not always easy. I would rather be a crutch. I would rather be the hero, and the one to figure things out for them. I would rather make life as easy as possible for them. The easy choices, though, are not always the best ones.

I believe that we do our children a disservice when we believe that they need us more than they do. It's not my place to become a constant giver. It's not my place to be their best friend. I don't think loving a child is to give in to everything they want. It's not my place to make excuses for them. I also don't think I need to play with them every part of every day. They should feel bored. They should problem solve. They should create. They should have conflict, and they should resolve the conflict. And I shouldn't hover, nor should I impede on them learning how to do things on their own.
 
My job is to provide boundaries, guidelines, and most importantly, a home that instills God's love. But my job is not to live life for my kids. I want my kids to learn how to live on their own. And I want to teach them about the significance and reliability of God. And not me. I will surely fail them. But God won't. Their father in Heaven loves them more that I can. And as I pour into Him, he surely will give me the ability to lead them, love them, encourage them, inspire them....but I will not be their one and only. That's God's job.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 4:9
Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.