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I haven't written here in a long time, and I can't remember if I've squashed this topic, but I have to mention how mediocre I am. God blessed me with no natural abilities...I was a 2-point-something student. I didn't like tests. I played outfield. I was the only 8th grader in cheer to not go to competition. I finally got a solo in choir, and choked on my spit, and ran to the bathroom in the middle of singing in front of the entire middle school. I practiced with the swim team in high school. I never competed.
I can't look back at my life and say- Oh that. I'm good at that. To be honest, if I excel in anything, I can tell you for a fact that I don't excel because of me. I excel because of Christ in me. I am not being humble or hard on myself. I'm super excited to tell you this. I have many years of failure to prove how lacking I am and how full His grace is...I don't have the time to explain it, or share the minutes and the moments, but I can assure you that I have a lifetime of proof to explain that whatever is good about me or in me is not me. It's Jesus. I am not sure how other people excel without him, but fortunately, I was the kind to be created as unexceptional . In every thread of my life. Every detail.
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I used to think that my parents' divorce was going to be that thing in my life that would be bad in my life. Like; okay- I went through that, and then I would look back at it and grow. A 13 year old mind obviously can't comprehend a life filled with mountain peaks and valleys. They only know what they know, but I was certain that the divorce would be it. And I was floored when my mom moved me away from my friends in 9th grade to a new school in Carlsbad. So I figured my life was over. A move. A divorce. New step parents. In those years of my life, I was so sad, and so depressed. When you think nothing else bad will happen, but bad things keep happening, you lose hope. And the life without hope is a very sinister existence.
As an adult looking at me then, I am so happy that I was good at nothing. That I had nothing to occupy my depression. I had to live in that sadness, and it had to marinate. No distractions. Nothing to focus on in my sorrow. No games to go to on Friday. No practices to employ my time. I didn't really do homework. No awards. No coach patting me on the back. I had not one teacher on my side, cheering me on. I fell victim to the parrel of the slouched student in the classroom that no one noticed. I came home to a neighborhood, even a bedroom that was unfamiliar. I was argumentative with my mom, and she avoided me. I was an adolescent without a lot of accolades. What a wonderful blessing it is; that I sat in all of the muck.
Conversely, two extraordinary lessons came out of that time in my life. In her unapologetic life anthology, my mom encouraged me in her harshness towards me. She simultaneously let me live in my depression by not pitying me, and gave me tools to combat the circumstances. She didn't over step her bounds towards me. She let me grow up. She gave me freedom, but also boundaries. I was grounded. I was expected to work towards going to college. I had to be home by 12:00 am on the dot, and I was also given random drug tests. But on the other side of the coin, she didn't helicopter over me. I was given freedom within my boundaries, and I played my music loud, and drove around north county until 12:00 am, and had friends she probably didn't want me having. And another lesson came about. I needed Jesus. I failed so many times, that eventually, I became determined to find friends who knew Him. I drove myself to youth groups, and I started reading the Bible, and praying in a journal. I recorded my Bible notes, and I gave my heart to Him. I actually gave my heart to Him a few times. But I recollect 2001 being a significant decision that changed my life.
Out of the muck, came more days filled with hope. More sensitivities to the world outside of my own thought process. I began to build a compassion for others in the world, and an understanding that I didn't have it figured out, and more bad things might happen, and I don't always have to be happy, but I know a God who is whatever "figuring out" is. He is not the embodiment of any sort of fading happiness, but the embodiment of Joy. And Grace. And Peace. And Self Control. All of the things I was searching for...they were in Him. And my life began when I gave my life to him.
I was teaching a Jazzercise class the other day, and when it was over, I had a great conversation with a young mom who was leaving her 2 year old in the daycare for the first time. I told her she was doing herself and her daughter a favor. Working out is SO important for everything; especially as a parent. I was a seasoned mom of 5, encouraging her, we were bonding, and suddenly, we were getting yelled at. Such an unhappy customer was engaging with us...negatively....letting us know the new class was starting and we HAD to get out of her way.
It made me think that I am so happy that I have had so many negative experiences in my life to never get so unhappy at a stranger in an exercise class. In fact, the more imperfect I am, the less good at things I am, the more mistakes I make...the more grace I have for others
Alternatively, the more I try to be positive, the less positive I become. The more I think I can be a good mom, the less of a good mom I become. It feeds into finances, work, marriage, relationships...the more I try, the more I fail. I have always been that way. The less I expect myself to do well, and the less pressure I put on myself to be happy, and the more time I pour out into Jesus, the more He fills in the gaps for me. When you're always certain that you will excel at something, or if things are always working out for you, the harder, and more depressing it is when things don't go your way. I've learned to lower my expectations for circumstance and outcomes, and put my high expectations on Jesus. I can assure anyone. I've been walking with him for 20 years, and I can say with certainty that He does not ever fail.
I still have a lot to learn, but I'm learning to pray a new kind of prayer..."thank you, Lord. Your power is made perfect in _________ weakness." Fill in the blank...marriage, parenting, work, finances. Think of your deep dark weakness. What is troubling you the most? Making you painstakingly frail. What takes the wind out of your sails, and discourages you to that place where hope is not living? I don't mean a traffic ticket, or a bad hair day. I am talking about the same circumstance that keeps haunting you. The broken relationship, or the lack of energy...I know we all struggle, because I know we all live in the flesh. We are imperfect. We face severe monsters on the daily. Punches that take us out. And Satan wants us so bad to give in. And to be upset. And to keep our eyes on what we lack, or what the other person lacks. Or what the circumstance lacks. But what if we prayed.....thank you. I am weak here, Lord. Show me how your Power can be made Perfect here. And I can assure any reader who reads this; He'll show up. His power has been made perfect in every weakness I have given to him. And when it knocks me down again, I am learning to rejoice and be so glad that it knocked me down. And I'm forced to come to his throne. He is a holy, holy God. And I am writing the words, but they don't do justice. To the inches and centimeters of experiences in my life that He has worked out and made better than I expected.
God has been so gracious in making me average. I look at my kids, and want them so badly to be the best at everything, and I constantly need to remind myself that they are better off not good at anything. Because there is no way I want them relying on them. I want them to learn, on their own, how to rely on Him.
"My Grace is Sufficient for you. My Power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Corinthians 1:29
I can't look back at my life and say- Oh that. I'm good at that. To be honest, if I excel in anything, I can tell you for a fact that I don't excel because of me. I excel because of Christ in me. I am not being humble or hard on myself. I'm super excited to tell you this. I have many years of failure to prove how lacking I am and how full His grace is...I don't have the time to explain it, or share the minutes and the moments, but I can assure you that I have a lifetime of proof to explain that whatever is good about me or in me is not me. It's Jesus. I am not sure how other people excel without him, but fortunately, I was the kind to be created as unexceptional . In every thread of my life. Every detail.
→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→
I used to think that my parents' divorce was going to be that thing in my life that would be bad in my life. Like; okay- I went through that, and then I would look back at it and grow. A 13 year old mind obviously can't comprehend a life filled with mountain peaks and valleys. They only know what they know, but I was certain that the divorce would be it. And I was floored when my mom moved me away from my friends in 9th grade to a new school in Carlsbad. So I figured my life was over. A move. A divorce. New step parents. In those years of my life, I was so sad, and so depressed. When you think nothing else bad will happen, but bad things keep happening, you lose hope. And the life without hope is a very sinister existence.
As an adult looking at me then, I am so happy that I was good at nothing. That I had nothing to occupy my depression. I had to live in that sadness, and it had to marinate. No distractions. Nothing to focus on in my sorrow. No games to go to on Friday. No practices to employ my time. I didn't really do homework. No awards. No coach patting me on the back. I had not one teacher on my side, cheering me on. I fell victim to the parrel of the slouched student in the classroom that no one noticed. I came home to a neighborhood, even a bedroom that was unfamiliar. I was argumentative with my mom, and she avoided me. I was an adolescent without a lot of accolades. What a wonderful blessing it is; that I sat in all of the muck.
Conversely, two extraordinary lessons came out of that time in my life. In her unapologetic life anthology, my mom encouraged me in her harshness towards me. She simultaneously let me live in my depression by not pitying me, and gave me tools to combat the circumstances. She didn't over step her bounds towards me. She let me grow up. She gave me freedom, but also boundaries. I was grounded. I was expected to work towards going to college. I had to be home by 12:00 am on the dot, and I was also given random drug tests. But on the other side of the coin, she didn't helicopter over me. I was given freedom within my boundaries, and I played my music loud, and drove around north county until 12:00 am, and had friends she probably didn't want me having. And another lesson came about. I needed Jesus. I failed so many times, that eventually, I became determined to find friends who knew Him. I drove myself to youth groups, and I started reading the Bible, and praying in a journal. I recorded my Bible notes, and I gave my heart to Him. I actually gave my heart to Him a few times. But I recollect 2001 being a significant decision that changed my life.
Out of the muck, came more days filled with hope. More sensitivities to the world outside of my own thought process. I began to build a compassion for others in the world, and an understanding that I didn't have it figured out, and more bad things might happen, and I don't always have to be happy, but I know a God who is whatever "figuring out" is. He is not the embodiment of any sort of fading happiness, but the embodiment of Joy. And Grace. And Peace. And Self Control. All of the things I was searching for...they were in Him. And my life began when I gave my life to him.
I was teaching a Jazzercise class the other day, and when it was over, I had a great conversation with a young mom who was leaving her 2 year old in the daycare for the first time. I told her she was doing herself and her daughter a favor. Working out is SO important for everything; especially as a parent. I was a seasoned mom of 5, encouraging her, we were bonding, and suddenly, we were getting yelled at. Such an unhappy customer was engaging with us...negatively....letting us know the new class was starting and we HAD to get out of her way.
It made me think that I am so happy that I have had so many negative experiences in my life to never get so unhappy at a stranger in an exercise class. In fact, the more imperfect I am, the less good at things I am, the more mistakes I make...the more grace I have for others
Alternatively, the more I try to be positive, the less positive I become. The more I think I can be a good mom, the less of a good mom I become. It feeds into finances, work, marriage, relationships...the more I try, the more I fail. I have always been that way. The less I expect myself to do well, and the less pressure I put on myself to be happy, and the more time I pour out into Jesus, the more He fills in the gaps for me. When you're always certain that you will excel at something, or if things are always working out for you, the harder, and more depressing it is when things don't go your way. I've learned to lower my expectations for circumstance and outcomes, and put my high expectations on Jesus. I can assure anyone. I've been walking with him for 20 years, and I can say with certainty that He does not ever fail.
I still have a lot to learn, but I'm learning to pray a new kind of prayer..."thank you, Lord. Your power is made perfect in _________ weakness." Fill in the blank...marriage, parenting, work, finances. Think of your deep dark weakness. What is troubling you the most? Making you painstakingly frail. What takes the wind out of your sails, and discourages you to that place where hope is not living? I don't mean a traffic ticket, or a bad hair day. I am talking about the same circumstance that keeps haunting you. The broken relationship, or the lack of energy...I know we all struggle, because I know we all live in the flesh. We are imperfect. We face severe monsters on the daily. Punches that take us out. And Satan wants us so bad to give in. And to be upset. And to keep our eyes on what we lack, or what the other person lacks. Or what the circumstance lacks. But what if we prayed.....thank you. I am weak here, Lord. Show me how your Power can be made Perfect here. And I can assure any reader who reads this; He'll show up. His power has been made perfect in every weakness I have given to him. And when it knocks me down again, I am learning to rejoice and be so glad that it knocked me down. And I'm forced to come to his throne. He is a holy, holy God. And I am writing the words, but they don't do justice. To the inches and centimeters of experiences in my life that He has worked out and made better than I expected.
God has been so gracious in making me average. I look at my kids, and want them so badly to be the best at everything, and I constantly need to remind myself that they are better off not good at anything. Because there is no way I want them relying on them. I want them to learn, on their own, how to rely on Him.
"My Grace is Sufficient for you. My Power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Corinthians 1:29
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