2012

I notice I think I am smarter than I am sometimes. I almost skim through the Bible and think,

"ya ya"
"yup, I know that."
"Sure God, I've read that before,"
 "yeah, heard that."
"That doesn't pertain to me..."
"I don't need to know about those people. What is the relevance to my life in this?"

 And I search often for like a sentence or a term that would apply to me that day, or perhaps inspire me. I look for something I can agree with, and close my Bible to get on with my day.

So silly.

God decided to kick my butt this year. Oh really, Lindsay? You know that? You can do that?

I don't know a whole lot about God's word. I know I don't, now. Ask me at the beginning of 2012, and I could tell you that I knew all about the Bible.

I'm learning that His word is not just to be heard, but to be lived. His breathing, Holy spirit is alive. And it is significantly moving in His Word. The Bible. And I knew that last year. I did. But God knew I needed a swift beat down. Because what I thought I knew was about to be tested.

Jesus tells us in Mark 8:34-35 (NIV): Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

God asks us to love others. I think that is easy to say, right? We have heard that. But what does He say about loving others when we are treated badly? What if we hear things about ourselves that are clearly untrue, and demeaning? What happens when we are wrongfully accused? What do we do when we give our everything to something or someone who doesn't reciprocate in a way that might grant us the appreciation we feel we deserve? What does God to say about that?

I look to Jesus. I think it is easy to  skim past words like "loses his life for me" and think, "uh-huh, Sold Out! Got it!!! I totally am ready, Lord." Or at least that is what I have told Him in the past. Until reality sets in. He was serious when he implied that He wanted us to love our enemies.

I have bypassed this in the past. Here has been my excuse: "what God, do you want me to be a door mat?" So in "loving" others, I have been honest with them about my feelings. I look back at my actions in life, as a Christian, and I don't see the Word being executed very effectively. I see myself yelling at Jon because I felt he wasn't treating me right. Or I see myself telling my ex-Step Mom's boyfriend just exactly what I thought about her. I have treated people unfairly because I felt they unfairly treated me a certain way. I have embarrassed others when they treated my sister poorly.  I have quit a job while using profanity at my employer because of his outrageous demands.

I believe that most would say that the actions of others warranted my correction. It is necessary to stick up for ourselves. But I think Jesus would say differently. I think He wants us to be relentless in our love for others. Relentless in forgiveness. Relentless in acceptance. And that is not being a "door mat." It's being a living, breathing, fighting example of His story. It's losing our own lives for the benefit of others.

God's relentless love for His people inspires me to want to love people better. And I confess that when tested, I have a hard time with that. I confess that I have a really strong grip on my life. And when God gently begs me to let go of it, I fight Him. I really fight Him.

I am thankful that God knows that about me. This year, he used an experience that forced me to actively pursue love for others. I had no other choice. And it took a serious toll on me, physically. I got shingles from the stress. But I look back at this year and consider the majesty of my God. He actively pursues us. He wants us to understand the freedom in surrender. And that when we take up our cross, and love in injustice, we find out a fraction more about what it means to fully love.

His Word is SO active. And when I say I don't know it, it's because I fail so often to carry out the language. I turn back to my life and what I want. But ultimately, I know that I will never be satisfied until I fully surrender to Him.

Last night, while trying to stay up until 12, Jon asked me what my New Year's resolution was. I told him I hate those because I never stay up with them. Then he said, what would you change this year from last?

I had to think about it. But for 2013, I pray for relentless love of others. That I would do a better job of  loving like Jesus does. Even when I am not treated with the respect that I "deserve." His Word is active, and is a living example of that kind of love. So I think coupled with that love I want to give, my resolution would also be to stop skimming over the parts in the Bible that I "know." To reflect on what God is trying to teach me, in full surrender.

 "We have not to die; we are dead. What we have to do is to accept our death... [In] baptism... we simply step in there and say, 'That position which God has settled with reference to me is the one which I now accept, and I testify here in this way to the fact that I have accepted God's position for me, namely, that in the Cross I have been brought to an end.'"-T. Austin Sparks