Love
I am in constant recovery from a lifetime of thinking that what I know what love is. God is so gracious that He has spelled out through the pages of the Bible what He means about love.
When Jon and I were first married, we were constantly arguing and pushing one another. Jon was graduating college, and I was searching what I wanted to do with my professional career. I wanted to go a million places and have a million friends, and he was comfortable sitting on the couch after a long day of working. It seemed like we had just gotten used to one another, when we threw a baby in the mix. Being pregnant was the biggest blessing in my life. I was so thankful that I got pregnant 8 months after my miscarriage, because it was so soon, and I knew that this was God's plan. However, during the time that I first found out I was pregnant with Harrison, I was in summer school to get my prereq's done for the teaching credential program. I was taking 5 summer school classes (which btw is insane) and teaching Jazzercise as well as working as a waitress. I was so sick, and SO tired, that I literally was in no shape to do half of what was on my plate.
Needless to say, my husband did not necessarily fall first in line as far as attention. And throughout my graduate studies in the credential program, I was pregnant, working late at night as a waitress, teaching Jazzercise, and trying to do school. Marriage was far off my list priorities. When I had Harrison, I went back to school 2 weeks later. It was so hard for me to give up my baby during school, and my hormones were already out of whack; on top of a grueling school schedule.
Everyone that I know struggles in marriage when they first have kids. And Jon and I were no different. We definitely had trouble because I wanted a strict schedule with the baby and I wanted boundaries. There was so much out my control with my baby, that I really wanted to be sure that I was at least in control of something. Lack of sleep, and post partum stresses coupled with the struggle for the job search and graduation loomed over my head.
The following year was no different. I was so blessed to get hired when the stock market crashed. We heard horror stories in our program about the lack of jobs available in California. However, the Lord was so gracious and blessed me with the perfect job teaching middle school. This was such a struggle for me at the time, because I felt like I lacked time with my baby, so I really tried to make it up outside of school, but I had to really push to understand what it meant to be a teacher. I was shocked, honestly at the amount of work it took to teach English to 7th and 8th graders. I was overwhelmed with grading papers, and learning how to be a mom. On top of the new stresses, Jon went back to get his credential. So he worked night shifts during the week so that he could go to school during the day. I would come home almost every night to take care of Harrison, alone. While I was so blessed with the time that I spent with him, I weekly lost my focus on school. Moreover, I had a very lackluster relationship with Jon.
The next year, Jon got hired as a teacher, and we bought a house. We got pregnant with our second baby. Tired, sick and pregnant, we moved, and Jon struggled to find his way in teaching his first year.
The years prior were like an exercise for what we had to endure as a couple when I was pregnant with Henry. I lacked patience, and he lacked kindness. We were a couple that practiced opposite of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I think the pressure, and the constant challenges coupled with having not spent much quality time together put us in a position of turmoil. We did not know how to relate to one another except for the fact that we knew how to push one another's buttons. I prayed, and cried, and really tried to seek after the Lord, but I often felt the pressure and the stresses of life that, I failed to give Jon what he needed in our marriage. And I believe that because I was so focused on "life" and not on him, that he returned what I divvied out.
I am not saying that we didn't have many blessed days, or fortunate situations during that first couple of years with having kids, but it was HARD; not dealing with the boys, but with one another. I was so focused on what Jon did not bring to the table, and was constantly berating him for his anger, and for other issues. However, what I did not realize was that I was feeding the fire, instead of fixing the issues.
This year, I was very fortunate to go through an extremely unfortunate situation where I was forced to daily humble myself before the Lord. I was not allowed to "vent" to anyone, and I was not allowed to stick up for myself. At the time, I was overwhelmed. However, the situation forced me to keep my eyes on the Lord. Normally very vocal when something goes wrong, I had to quietly seek Jesus. I had to force myself to be patient. I had to almost fake kindness daily. Despite what I wanted to do, I had to keep my eyes off of myself, and calm my anger in spite of what my flesh wanted to do. I sought counseling, I sought prayer, and I immersed myself in scripture, fasting, and prayer. Instead of taking delight in "getting back", I had to keep my eyes fixated on the hope that I knew Christ could bring.
When life throws us into the pit of despair, it is so easy to stroke our pride by turning from grace and peace and towards turmoil and hate. Literally, God must completely understand my flesh, because I could not even forcibly do what I wanted to do. He had to take my body and with His hands sit me down and force me to have love towards a situation that in other circumstances, I would have every right in the world to get angry at. He forcibly made me endure negativity: with a positive outlook towards hope.
This circumstance bled into my marriage. I learned such a valuable lesson. I spent a lifetime believing that God loved me for the things I did. That if I made a bad choice, I was out of his grace. That translated into my marriage. If Jon did something hurtful, it meant that he didn't love me. And I believed that I had every right in the world to act against it. I believe that the world allows us that right; that we more than “deserve” to act out against someone who does us wrong.
But God's love is different. He doesn't love me because I went to Africa or Haiti, or was a youth group leader for years. He doesn't love me because of sacrifices I make for my kids, or how hard I work. He also doesn't take His love away when I scream at Jon, or drink too much, or gossip about a good friend or fail to be a good witness. He loves me in spite of my actions. Despite what I do against Him or His children, He loves me. He loves me with hope and knowledge and confidence that He will be spending eternity with me. And He shows me all of the time. But He showed me best at the cross.
I am learning to have that kind of love for Jon. God's love. The kind of love that doesn't hold grudges, or count mistakes. Even if every day, he does something on the hour to spite me, I love him anyway. That's how God loves me. And because I had to love a situation everyday that I hated, God showed me what He meant on the cross "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do wrong." That's what Jesus pled at the cross when His children nailed Him there.
I have to say honestly, that the love that I have for Jon is infinitely greater than when we first met. I thought for sure that I was so sure about out love. But God is making it stronger every day. Yesterday, we celebrated our 7th anniversary. And I can sit here with hope and trust that no matter what circumstance comes our way, and no matter what Satan tries to do to make me tired, and hopeless, and uncertain, that we will persevere. Because out of that perseverance, there is the hope that we will grow stronger together in Him.
When Jon and I were first married, we were constantly arguing and pushing one another. Jon was graduating college, and I was searching what I wanted to do with my professional career. I wanted to go a million places and have a million friends, and he was comfortable sitting on the couch after a long day of working. It seemed like we had just gotten used to one another, when we threw a baby in the mix. Being pregnant was the biggest blessing in my life. I was so thankful that I got pregnant 8 months after my miscarriage, because it was so soon, and I knew that this was God's plan. However, during the time that I first found out I was pregnant with Harrison, I was in summer school to get my prereq's done for the teaching credential program. I was taking 5 summer school classes (which btw is insane) and teaching Jazzercise as well as working as a waitress. I was so sick, and SO tired, that I literally was in no shape to do half of what was on my plate.
Needless to say, my husband did not necessarily fall first in line as far as attention. And throughout my graduate studies in the credential program, I was pregnant, working late at night as a waitress, teaching Jazzercise, and trying to do school. Marriage was far off my list priorities. When I had Harrison, I went back to school 2 weeks later. It was so hard for me to give up my baby during school, and my hormones were already out of whack; on top of a grueling school schedule.
Everyone that I know struggles in marriage when they first have kids. And Jon and I were no different. We definitely had trouble because I wanted a strict schedule with the baby and I wanted boundaries. There was so much out my control with my baby, that I really wanted to be sure that I was at least in control of something. Lack of sleep, and post partum stresses coupled with the struggle for the job search and graduation loomed over my head.
The following year was no different. I was so blessed to get hired when the stock market crashed. We heard horror stories in our program about the lack of jobs available in California. However, the Lord was so gracious and blessed me with the perfect job teaching middle school. This was such a struggle for me at the time, because I felt like I lacked time with my baby, so I really tried to make it up outside of school, but I had to really push to understand what it meant to be a teacher. I was shocked, honestly at the amount of work it took to teach English to 7th and 8th graders. I was overwhelmed with grading papers, and learning how to be a mom. On top of the new stresses, Jon went back to get his credential. So he worked night shifts during the week so that he could go to school during the day. I would come home almost every night to take care of Harrison, alone. While I was so blessed with the time that I spent with him, I weekly lost my focus on school. Moreover, I had a very lackluster relationship with Jon.
The next year, Jon got hired as a teacher, and we bought a house. We got pregnant with our second baby. Tired, sick and pregnant, we moved, and Jon struggled to find his way in teaching his first year.
The years prior were like an exercise for what we had to endure as a couple when I was pregnant with Henry. I lacked patience, and he lacked kindness. We were a couple that practiced opposite of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I think the pressure, and the constant challenges coupled with having not spent much quality time together put us in a position of turmoil. We did not know how to relate to one another except for the fact that we knew how to push one another's buttons. I prayed, and cried, and really tried to seek after the Lord, but I often felt the pressure and the stresses of life that, I failed to give Jon what he needed in our marriage. And I believe that because I was so focused on "life" and not on him, that he returned what I divvied out.
I am not saying that we didn't have many blessed days, or fortunate situations during that first couple of years with having kids, but it was HARD; not dealing with the boys, but with one another. I was so focused on what Jon did not bring to the table, and was constantly berating him for his anger, and for other issues. However, what I did not realize was that I was feeding the fire, instead of fixing the issues.
This year, I was very fortunate to go through an extremely unfortunate situation where I was forced to daily humble myself before the Lord. I was not allowed to "vent" to anyone, and I was not allowed to stick up for myself. At the time, I was overwhelmed. However, the situation forced me to keep my eyes on the Lord. Normally very vocal when something goes wrong, I had to quietly seek Jesus. I had to force myself to be patient. I had to almost fake kindness daily. Despite what I wanted to do, I had to keep my eyes off of myself, and calm my anger in spite of what my flesh wanted to do. I sought counseling, I sought prayer, and I immersed myself in scripture, fasting, and prayer. Instead of taking delight in "getting back", I had to keep my eyes fixated on the hope that I knew Christ could bring.
When life throws us into the pit of despair, it is so easy to stroke our pride by turning from grace and peace and towards turmoil and hate. Literally, God must completely understand my flesh, because I could not even forcibly do what I wanted to do. He had to take my body and with His hands sit me down and force me to have love towards a situation that in other circumstances, I would have every right in the world to get angry at. He forcibly made me endure negativity: with a positive outlook towards hope.
This circumstance bled into my marriage. I learned such a valuable lesson. I spent a lifetime believing that God loved me for the things I did. That if I made a bad choice, I was out of his grace. That translated into my marriage. If Jon did something hurtful, it meant that he didn't love me. And I believed that I had every right in the world to act against it. I believe that the world allows us that right; that we more than “deserve” to act out against someone who does us wrong.
But God's love is different. He doesn't love me because I went to Africa or Haiti, or was a youth group leader for years. He doesn't love me because of sacrifices I make for my kids, or how hard I work. He also doesn't take His love away when I scream at Jon, or drink too much, or gossip about a good friend or fail to be a good witness. He loves me in spite of my actions. Despite what I do against Him or His children, He loves me. He loves me with hope and knowledge and confidence that He will be spending eternity with me. And He shows me all of the time. But He showed me best at the cross.
I am learning to have that kind of love for Jon. God's love. The kind of love that doesn't hold grudges, or count mistakes. Even if every day, he does something on the hour to spite me, I love him anyway. That's how God loves me. And because I had to love a situation everyday that I hated, God showed me what He meant on the cross "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do wrong." That's what Jesus pled at the cross when His children nailed Him there.
I have to say honestly, that the love that I have for Jon is infinitely greater than when we first met. I thought for sure that I was so sure about out love. But God is making it stronger every day. Yesterday, we celebrated our 7th anniversary. And I can sit here with hope and trust that no matter what circumstance comes our way, and no matter what Satan tries to do to make me tired, and hopeless, and uncertain, that we will persevere. Because out of that perseverance, there is the hope that we will grow stronger together in Him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
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