"My grace is sufficient"

I've been trying to post about Hallie every week since she was born, and I have had such a hard time explaining in words this transition of having a new, sweet, easy, perfect little girl added to our family. I haven't been able to say what I want to, and I think it's because the kind of love that you have for a child is impossible to explain. I keep coming across as too cheesy or really wordy. But I feel like posting about her, because I want to remember this time. God has been at work in so many different ways, and I feel like if I don't write it I will forget it. So here goes my really selfish blog post... Four weeks ago today, Hallie was born. I love her. She is such an easy going, little blessing. She loves her brothers; which I can't REALLY tell because she is so new, but she gets so calm around them. If she is crying, I can lay her down where they are playing (lego's, coloring, fighter guys...whatever) and she will stop and watch them. When they hold h...

Why are we in such a rush to be happy? Whether we shop beyond our means, or change the channel fifty times, or make an irrational decision in the moment that could later lead to destruction...I have noticed that we are constantly trying to self diagnose and self medicate.  I have seen the saga happen so many times in my life; I see it in my own decision making, but also in decision making of those around me. People are really quick to make selfish demands because they are uncomfortable. It's a lie. It's a divorce. It's a weekend spent high. It's a good job left because of festering anger. It's money spent that shouldn't be. It's words spoken to hurt. It's gossip. It is breaking away from those who are close to us. It's fear... Our minds justify such actions in the moment. Maybe we were hurt, and we feel the need to uplift ourselves. Maybe the other person deserves it. Maybe we are just unsettled, and we are trying really quickly to settle our o...

"Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it." Luke 17:33 I see Jesus here, echoing the voices of the past. I love that the Bible is filled with such a strong account of characters who fail so often to trust God.  I fail so often to live out it's message. But what if God's word is really true? What if I REALLY lost my life in Him? I mean...really let go? I was looking through my prayer journal, and thinking about my requests to God. Every day, I fervently pray for my kids, my job, Jon, my friends, my family, my house...but then, I start my day and after surrendering it all, I take it all back. And for some reason, I fear that if I'm not in control of my life, that somehow, things will fall apart. And for another reason, I don't always know what it looks like in certain moments to let go. Emotions and circumstances come at me quickly. Instead of falling on my knees and seeking His will, I react. I react in...

9 more weeks...I can do this, right? I know it's been a while since I last blogged about being pregnant, but I thought I was getting pretty over kill for a bit there...and repetitive. How many times can I say: "I am so happy, but so miserable?" Since my last post about baby lala, we found out that she is a girl. Little Hallie Mckenzie Jones will make her debut soon! I felt led tonight to sit and write. It's been so long since I've been able to, and now that Jon is coaching late again, I have a minute to myself. The football game is on, and the air conditioning is on (it's about 100 degrees outside in Southern California...don't we pay for 78 degree weather? What the heck is up with this humidity? This big pregnant lady is DUN with this weather)...and I thought it would be nice to document a little bit of this. I can taste it. That moment that you get to hold your baby, and you think that you can do another 9 months, just to feel that amazing high o...

God is not surprised by my sin. This is a lesson that is really hard to learn. I feel so guilty when I hurt someone. When I feel that I may have offended someone, or when I have bothered someone, or if I have possibly made a poor decision; it haunts me. It follows me. My guilt and shame often cause a rift in my relationship with those close to me, as well as with the Lord. But He is not surprised. It is hard for me to reconcile this. I consider myself as someone who is well aware of His grace, but then, I start to believe that I have the ability to surprise and disappoint my Father. I come before him in great shame. This shame is not humility. It's  shame that stems from pride. As I confess my sin before God, I feel like I owe Him something. I feel like I should pay for my sin. It is not easy to contextualize that His death on the cross is enough. He changed history that day on calvary, but I start to see it as if it were a mishap. I laugh in the face of His death when I believ...

I'm reading through Leviticus...stay with me...it gets exciting. I'm LOVING it. Honestly, over the years, I have skimmed through the book with yawns and questions that have left it so not appealing to me. Rules and laws that I don't understand. Stories in the old testament usually appeal to me. Not Moses' long list of to-do's and to-don't's that literally don't apply to me since I am covered, now, in His blood... And that is where I get excited. I'm covered in the blood now. God told Moses to have the priests cover the alter in the blood of sacrifices in order that the sins of the people might be forgiven. Ritually, Aaron and his sons would faultlessly, according to scripture, sprinkle the blood of a lamb or a beast specific to the type of offering on the corners of the acacia wood that was carefully sculpted as the Lord had instructed. Pages of instructions were written by Moses in more than one book that re-told the laws that God gave him on Mt. ...

This girl is a serious cook now. What is it about week 13 and a ridiculous imagination? (or non imagination that copies recipes from friends). I spent Saturday morning on Pinterest last week planning out my meals for the week. I wanted feta cheese. And radishes. And ranch dressing. Avocado, parsley, cilantro, and squash. Stat. So Sunday after church, I shipped the boys off with Jon, and I had a date with the grocery store, and my Pinterest list. Here are some of the yummy delights that I made this week: Jon was welcomed home from work in confusion. Our go-to's like salmon and salad, turkey taco's, bbq chicken, and cheese pizza were replaced. I'm feeling blessed. Psalm 73:10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.

The Lord has been pressing on my heart to relinquish him something that I have carefully monitored in my past two pregnancies. And it's not easy. I have lists that document the pounds that I gained in each pregnancy. It consumed me in the past; how quickly I gained weight. And no one wants to gain 10 pounds in 5 weeks like I did this pregnancy. In addition to the "all day" sickness I have felt, coupled with the fatigue, I have been consumed with how quickly have had to switch to maternity clothes with this third one. I remember also being consumed with what I weighed with the other two..and I don't want to be consumed with such a silly thing...it's been hard to enjoy my pregnancy feeling huge. And there were many times in the past pregnancies that also didn't enjoy parts because I was unhappy with how I looked. This has been pressing on my heart. I have been considering the fact that it's my last pregnancy. And that I want to enjoy it. And slowly this ...

AH! Did you hear that sigh? Sweet relief is on the way. Yesterday and today have been two of my better days. Someone better slow me down, though, because I get waaaay too excited when I have energy-and so do these guys, who instead of having a sleeping mommy today, had a super fun mom who took them to the San Diego Safari Park after naps.  Baby Lala is making me more excited lately. I was thinking about him/her (if it's a boy, I will change the "baby lala" name:)) Harrison was outside playing after the Wild Animal Park today. I pitched him a couple of balls so that he could practice for his game on Saturday, and I kept thinking about how big he was. I was about to head inside after playing baseball with him to clean up dinner, and he asked if I would sit and watch him play. Normally, I would tell him I had to clean, but I thought I would sit an enjoy the nice weather outside. I was watching him play, thinking how often I used to sit and watch him play when he was ...

There is nothing like someone acknowledging that what you are going through is hard. It's not easy for me to explain to my husband that I literally can't stay up, and I need to sleep all day on Sunday. I'm so sick. And it's not like I have the stomach flu for two days. I have a toxic, sick feeling, and have for 5 weeks. And it will be over in three. I don't have a clue how moms make it through 9 months of pregnancy being sick. It is not easy.   This week, I was feeling like such a complainer. I spent the other morning asking for forgiveness because I feel like I am so unable to function and do well in anything right now. I'm tired and sick, and it takes everything out of me to work, let alone chase after a 2 year old and 5 year old and keep my house clean. I'm a hot mess right now. I don't even look at my shower, because it makes me want to throw up when I start to clean it. And I hardly have energy to vacuum. Side note- I am so blessed by a husba...

Jon and I have been praying and considering the idea of having a third baby since the day that I stopped breast feeding Henry. Jon was putting Henry to bed, and I told him that I needed a minute to cuddle with him, too. "What if this is my last baby?" The idea that I might be done with the "baby" stage, forever, made me sad. I honestly didn't feel like I was done. And as soon as I was blessed this year, with the opportunity to teach from home, it became a reality that a third baby would be a consideration. On March 1, I was so excited when I peed on a stick and saw the long-awaited second line. The idea that I wasn't done changing diapers, and cleaning throw up, and cuddling chubby legs was such a blessing. I knew that I wanted to enjoy every moment, and try my best to not take a thing for granted... But I'm not going to lie. I don't like being pregnant. I am not one of the few fortunate to miss out on the "morning sickness" fun. ...

5 years ago, I became a mom. I know 5 years is not a long time compared to so many other women. To me, it seems like it has been a life time, but it has gone by in a blink of the eye. There are certain things that I have learned along the way that I thought have value. I have no doubt that in the years that may come (elementary school, jr. high, high school, sports, friends, girlfriends) that I may have more to say, but I felt like blogging today about where I am at now; as a mom of two, on Harrison's fifth birthday. I have learned how to love better. I love my kids. I love them so much. I never want to ever be away from them. On the worst of days; when both of them have thrown a fit about every minute, and I have found myself cleaning every room again, breaking up fights, and wiping yet another poopy butt. When I have had to turn down lunch with a friend because someone has a snotty nose, or when I have been up all night for a week cleaning up throw up, or calming a nightmare...

I was turning from a busy freeway today, and turning onto a highway, when a motorcycle whizzed by me. I got cut off. Let's all imagine the language that sifted through my mind. Or- maybe let's not. Immediately, I decided who this man was. Too fast. Selfish. On and on, I thought profanities toward his character. As I drove down the road, the man was out of site, and I slowly started to think of other things. 4 miles later, we hit the first stop light. There he was. The Harley Davidson guy who cut me off. In the same place he was, when he started speeding: directly in front of me. There was no need to speed. No reason to cut me off. I started to get heated again. We all know what happens...the light turned green. Cars went through...yellow....the motorcycle stopped. He and I were first in line at the light. I was certainly not excited about this guy. And as I stared him down, he turned around. He pointed his finger towards me. Immediately, I became furious. Really? How ridicu...

Dear Taxpayer, I first went into teaching because I believed that I could make a difference. If I had gone into it to get "summer's off," I would have long since picked another career choice. With the first CBEST, CSET, or first aid test, I would have checked out. I jumped through many hoops in order that I may put myself in a position before children to exemplify the significance of education. I want to influence children to be better. I want to encourage them to make a difference in this world. I want them to have access to opportunities that they did not believe they could. My goal is to ensure that students believe in themselves. And whether they receive an "A" or an "F" in my class, I want them to leave with a better understanding not only of the curriculum I teach, but also of their own capabilities. I have noticed that many of you have lost hope in public education. Class sizes are going up, and reports in the news of travesties in school,...

"My grace is sufficient": Wise Men and Magic : As I read through Exodus, I am inspired and excited about how God's redeeming love is eminent. He allows us to be tested, and despite ou...

As I read through Exodus, I am inspired and excited about how God's redeeming love is eminent. He allows us to be tested, and despite our disbelief, fear, anxiety, and even despite the fact that we make our lives so loud with circumstance, the Lord continues to promise and lead us. I think of the amount of time it took Moses to finally speak to Pharaoh. He doubted himself because of his weaknesses. It is such a testament to our human nature when I read of Moses lecturing God. "I can't," he says. "I Am," the Lord responds. We doubt. We fear. We forget Whom we serve. And He says it best: "I Am." There are so many remarkable lessons I learn from the book of Exodus. The more I read through it, the better I understand God's love for me. But something stood out to me in particular. I thought it was worth a blog post, because it made me think... Moses is tested before he goes to speak to Pharaoh. He speaks to the Hebrews, who don't believe h...

Today, I am very happy that God has so many examples of using broken, unaccomplished people in the Bible. It makes me feel better. I can relate to the characters that God chooses to use. I forget things, I am late to things,I can be unorganized and unprepared. Let's be honest: I'm a disaster. It's easy  to place blame on the fact that I have a lot going on: Jazzercise instructor, High School English teacher, mom of two young kids, wife, neighbor, friend, church member, team mom..we all have commitments, and I want to do everything well, but it's nice to know that when I don't, I'm in good company. Does that make sense? Is there anyone else like that? I have a picture that I made in high school. I've never been very interested, nor have the attention span to be good at crafts. The picture honestly doesn't have very symmetrical lines, nor are the strokes from the paint brush washed away by the organization and beauty of the painting. But it's me. I...

"My grace is sufficient": Prayer Raper : I'm a prayer raper. And I only know for sure that I am, because my husband coined that term one day, when I interrupted one of our conversat...

The story of Israel wandering the desert is such a remarkable lesson to me. It's funny because not only had they experienced the miracles of the exodus, but they daily received food, guidance, law, and shelter from God. Daily. Almost immediately, they became so complacent with the manna God gave to them and with fact that miracles were happening, they began to sin and fall away. And it took them MUCH longer than it needed to for them to reach the promised land. I can't say I blame them. I am just like those guys. God works such miracles in my life. I try to write them down. From finding a cell phone in rocks on a jetty, to providing me a way through graduate school, I can look back and literally see God writing a love story to me through my life. He is constant in his provisions and blessings. Some I ask for, some I don't. But all of them point me to the fact that He is a generous, loving, kind, glorious Lord. But I so often forget. I get complacent. My day goes on, and...

23  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  Ephesians 5:23-24 Ugh. This one gets me every time.  I really don't spend much time questioning the workings of our Lord. If I am questioning anything in my faith, it's my faith. Usually, I ask God to reveal my sinful heart. What am I doing wrong? I bring it before Him, and ask for wisdom. I confess my sins. I try to look for opportunities to serve Him. My prayers are spent often, in praise to God. I ask Him for wisdom as far as where to go, and what to do. I long to bring Him glory. Okay, before those who are adamant regarding women's rights close their minds to this blog post, hear me out. After considering the verse in Ephesians, I have been looking into what God has in store for me, as a wife. The first question I would ask might be: wha...